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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge.

Q. How many, honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why does it take a million sperm eggs to fertilize one egg?
A. Not one of them would stop for directions.

Q. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know-- it's never happened.

Q. Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q.What did God say after creating Adam?
A. "I must be able to do better than that."

Q. What is the one thing all men in a singles bar have in common?
A. They're all married.

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
== "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
== "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I miss you so much."
== "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
== "Is my penis really that small?"

"Do you 'really' love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way > to tell you by now."

"I'll give you a call."
== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
== "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane and screams, " I am too young to die!" Twice more she wails. " I am too young to die! " She shakes and sobs for just a moment, and then gathers her courage and continues, " Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN? "

For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman" He's gorgeous: Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the trembling woman and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and whispers...."Iron this"

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A lady walks into the pet shop wants to buy a parrot. The guy says," Ma'am, I'm sorry but I am fresh out of parrots."

The lady says thanks and gets ready to walk out the door when she hears something from back room that sounds like a parrot. The lady turns around and says to the man I thought you said you didn't have any parrots.

The guy says, "Ma'am I'm sorry I lied. I do have this one parro,t but I don't want to sell it to you!"

"I just got it back from the whore house yesterday and he is still kind of bad mannered."

The lady says "That's ok, I'll take it home and I'll train him, you've got yourself a deal."

The lady takes the parrot home and the parrot hollers out "new house, new madame".

A little while later the daughter comes home from school and the parrot hollers out "new house, new madame, new girl" then he whistles.

The lady says "no, no, no, this is my house I am a housewife and this is my daughter".

Husband comes home. He's tired. He walks right into living room and the parrot hollers out "new house, new madame, new girl, same dude... Hi George!!!!!!"

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? (And it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure.) Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But,he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember ... it's our secret...Woman-to-woman!

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” Patrick, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer.” Hannah, 9
“Never tell your mom her diet's not working.” Michael, 14
“Stay away from prunes.” Randy, 9
“Never pee on an electric fence.” Robert, 13
“Don’t squat with your spurs on.” Noronha, 13
“Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.” Emily, 10
“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” Taylia,11
“Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.” Traci, 14
“Don't sneeze in front of mum when you’re eating crackers.” Mitchell, 12
“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.” Andrew, 9
“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.” Kyoyo, 9
“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.” Armir, 9
“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.” Kellie, 11
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.” Naomi, 15
“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.” Lauren, 9
“Don’t pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.” Joel,10
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.” Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptize a cat.” Eileen, 8

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is, about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Top 10 signs Bill Clinton is telling the truth:
10. Oh, wait, never mind. There aren't any..

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
Lets count them upside down this time
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, GORE I am!

I'm really ticked; I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun.
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, GORE I am!

I've counted till my fingers bleed!
And still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
I'll count and count and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
Until the counting says I've won!!